Spotting and Healing Emotional Immaturity

This is a summary of the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson. The book talks about how to spot emotionally immature parents but I believe its real value is helping you identify your own emotional immaturity by providing concrete identifiers.

First the book talks about four types of emotionally immature parents:

1. Emotional - Emotional instability marked by intense highs and lows and unpredictability. Everyone walks on egg shells around them. Control others through emotional tactics like holding grudges and keeping score. Need to be the center of attention.

2. Driven - Overly focused on getting things done and having others do things they way that they do them. Constant evaluation of kids' performance. Unrelenting and over-the-top push for excellence.

3. Passive - Love you but don't help you. When things get tough they disengage emotionally turning a blind eye to harmful impacts. They need to be the focus of someone's affection, most often their children.

4. Rejecting - Act like their children are a nuisance and that they don't want them around. Angry and abusive. Avoid all intimacy.

Emotionally immature parents will show signs of their emotional immaturity, as will you. The book delineates these signs of emotional immaturity:

• Rigid and Single-Minded: Can't see past their own ideas.

• Low Stress Tolerance

• Do What Feels Best by Following the Path of Least Resistance

• Subjective Rather than Objective: Acts on what feels true rather than what is true.

• Egocentric: Self-preoccupied. Would never see themselves as defensive or insecure. Constantly monitoring if others have met their needs and if something has offended them.

• Self-Referential: Always take conversations back to themselves and their own experiences or closes the conversation without engaging further.

• Center of Attention: Dominates the group's time and energy.

• Promote Role Reversal: Make kids take on parenting roles.

• Low Empathy and Emotionally Insensitive: Blind to how they make others feel or don't care.

• Inconsistent and Contradictory

• Developed Defenses Shielding Themselves From Their True Feelings

• They Fear Feelings

• They Focus on the Physical, Not the Emotional: Providing food, shelter, etc. but not emotional warmth.

• Killjoys: Curb enthusiasm and excitement of themselves and others.

• Intense but Shallow Emotions: Dramatic reactions but lacking in emotional depth and complexity.

• Don't Experience Mixed Emotions: The ability to feel multiple emotions simultaneously is a sign of emotional maturity.

• Difficulties with Conceptual Thinking: Reject complexities, narrow-mindedness, lack of imagination.

• Literal Thinking: Talks about what happened or what was observed rather than ideas or feelings.

• Intellectualizing Obsessively: Talk about their passion subjects at length but don't really engage with the other person.

People tend to deal with their emotional immaturity in one of two ways, externalizing or internalizing. People may exhibit one or the other or both depending on the person and the circumstances.

1. Externalizing - Demand that others or the world change to meet their needs. Rely on outside sources to be emotionally okay. Blame others and make excuses for themselves. Engage in punishing and rejecting others.

2. Internalizing - Blame themselves and take responsibility on that isn't theirs. Feeling of guilt and being an imposter. Self-sacrificing and then become resentful for how much they do for others. Apologize for needing help.

Healing From Your Childhood Wounds

The book gives a small exercise to help you determine your "true self" which is who you really are and your "role self" which is the person you've become based on the roles you've chosen to take on. The idea of the exercise is to help you get back in touch with who you intrinsically are, an older and more mature version of who you uninhibitedly were as a kid.

True self and role self exercise:

• Make a list of "your true self" which is linked back to your childhood. What were you interested in? What did you like to do? What made you feel good?

• Make a list of "your role self" which is linked to who you currently are. What have you compromised in order to feel loved or wanted? What do you need to do in order to feel good about yourself? How do you spend your time on things that don't bring fulfillment and joy? What do you try to hide from others? What do you make yourself do that doesn't intrinsically speak to you?

Aspects of healing given in the book:

• Breaking Down False Roles: If it doesn't bring you joy it's almost guaranteed it's a false role. A true role is invigorating and rejuvenating. It inspires passion.

• What You Really Feel: Same idea, if it isn't creating good feelings within yourself then you probably need to start being more honest with yourself - that thing isn't for you. Or at least, not how it currently stands.

• Anger: It can be a helpful emotion to inspire change, especially for those that don't allow themselves to feel it. That is not to say that anger should go unchecked or that anger is the ultimate goal, but feeling it may be for now.

• Better Self-Care: Take care of yourself! Do things that emotionally replenish and recharge you. Make time to take care of your basic emotional needs.

• Relationship Breakdowns: Relationships are like a magnifying glass for our own problems. Use relationship issues to help inform you of where you still need some work.

• Idealizing Others: See immaturity for what it is, regardless of where it comes from. It isn't disrespectful to acknowledge immaturity even when it's from someone as important as your parents or spouse.

• Your Strengths: Learn to appreciate what you're good at. It isn't boastful or arrogant if it's true. It's not only okay to know and express that you're good at things, it's healthy.

• New Values: Your values are your life's compass and our values change all the time. Take some time to think about your values and whether or not your life is currently aligning with those values. You can find more on that here.

• Getting Free of Childhood Issues: Your fears are your indicator of your childhood issues. Take the time and energy to heal yourself from your fears and you will be much better off.

Separating From Emotionally Immature Parents and People

1. Become Observational: The first step is always awareness. If you can't even recognize that they aren't emotionally mature, your chances of becoming unenmeshed with them are slim. Treat them as if you were a scientist studying something. Note their behaviors, words, tones, etc. and do so without becoming emotionally activated. Reactivity is emotional engagement, not observation.

2. Relatedness vs. Relationship: Relatedness has no goal of having a satisfying emotional exchange. Know which relationships are more relatedness oriented and which are relationship oriented.

3. Express and Let Go: Express your truth calmly and non-judgmentally without any attachment to how it's received because chances are they won't receive it well. Your communication is for your own sake not theirs so once you've expressed your truth, let it go.

4. Focusing On the Outcome, Not the Relationship: If you expect an emotionally immature person to act maturely, you will be disappointed. Don't focus on controlling how someone acts and responds, focus on the question at hand or outcome wanted rather than the relationship with that person. Don't take emotional bait.

5. Hold On To Your Self: Stay observational.

Identifying Emotionally Mature People

Here are a couple ways to identify emotionally mature people:

1. They work with reality rather than fighting it. They don't spend time on what "should" be, they spend time on what is.

2. They can feel and think at the same time. They are reasonable even when emotional.

3. They are consistent.

4. They don't take everything personally.

5. They respect your boundaries and don't push them.

6. They give back reciprocally.

7. They are flexible and compromise well.

8. They're even-tempered.

9. They're willing to be influenced.

10. They're truthful.

11. They apologize and make amends.

12. They're empathetic and make you feel safe.

13. They make you feel seen and understood. They are curious about you.

14. They provide comfort and allow others to comfort them.

15. They reflect on their actions and try to change.

16. They can laugh and be playful.

17. They're enjoyable to be around.